A Brief Recap.....

Iris woke up, she had forgotten the previous 3 months, either that or she had been reprogrammed.

"Damn it, not again", she muttered. Her head hurt.

Thankfully she had made copious handwritten notes, so all she had to do was read them. She pondered for a moment. Did she really want to know? Couldn't she just make up something new? Would anyone notice?
Maybe if she flicked through her notebook she could pick out pertinent clues, and characters, and piece it all together. She sighed, it felt like a momentous task, but it had to be done, and so she began to make short notes from her extensive notes.

In the beginning there is a man called Douglas Manning who Iris was spying on. He has a wife called Annie, who is blonde. A short man with a large gun wearing a pink rabbit onesie kidnaps Annie.

Douglas Manning tries to make off with a suitcase of used banknotes to rendezvous with the mysterious Mr Short [who is not the man with the large gun] in Harwich.

Rennie Hightower lives in a mid-sized city in the Pacific Northwest, he is a janitor at a strip club and is a little bit in love with Iris, although they have only met online via a Facebook group for fans of author P.G. Wodehouse. Iris sends Rennie an email asking for his help.

Iris was once a Go-Go dancer in London and has links with espionage. She believes Douglas Manning is watching her. Have they met before?

Douglas tries to wake Iris. They are in her bedroom. Douglas discovers Iris's notebooks under her bed. Douglas and Iris confirmed to have a historical connection. Iris is wide eyed yet unconscious.

Rennie recieves an email from Iris, which activates a dormant area of his brain. Yes! Rennie is also some kind of spy! Or is he? He recovers a lock-box from beneath his floorboards that contains an array of passports and credit cards so that he can assume a variety of identities. The box also contains a genuinely smart Smart-phone that connects to an exclusive network, operated by a super-computer. He heads to the airport.

Douglas is with Iris. He is deciding how best to wake her from her open-eyed coma. He also really fancies a banana. Douglas notices a faint, blinking light behind Iris's right ear - a light that was flashing under her skin! Douglas discovers that Iris was made in Taiwan.

Rennie has a microscopic speaker implanted in his ear canal and the voice of SpodeChode69 notifies him that the Iris unit has been compromised. Rennie uses a banana to stun an Uber driver by using the tip of the banana on a pressure point behind the driver's left ear. Rennie drives to the airport and then takes a super-stealth plane to England. Rennie reminisces on how he met Iris in London when she was a go-go dancer. He lied to her about being a spy. Iris was a robot even then, but she didn't know it. He recalls how his body and mind were modified and enhanced to serve a powerful master. He eats a banana.

Annie overpowers the short man with the large gun who wears a pink rabbit onesie. Annie was not kidnapped! She takes the gun from the short man and locks him in her attic with a plate of fish fingers and a large colouring book. Annie is furious for a variety of reasons, but mainly because she is not the central character in this fiction. Annie has a plan and a loaded gun.

Recently widowed Tina Cruet visits her neighbours Aubrey and Martharine Stoad in Frigwell Crescent. She has ideas above her station. Cheryl Stoad, 28, is the daughter of Aubrey and Matherine. Cheryl hopes to find fame on Britain's got Talent by playing Go and Tell Aunt Nancy on the recorder. The Stoads have a Golden Retriever called Scarlet [ahem]. Tina has designs on Aubrey - It was Aubrey who helped Tina cope with the isolation and despair the complex feelings that grief brings, after a while they found themselves being drawn together and by the time the police and forensics had been to take away Percy's body, Aubrey had already given her one over the arm of the chair. Did Tina murder her husband, Percy?

Cheryl has an inner ear problem. What could this mean? Iris sneaks up on Cheryl in the Stoads back garden. There appears to be a real Iris, and an Irisbot. The real Iris asks Cheryl for her help. Cheryl eventually agrees to help the real Iris. They go to Douglas and Annie's house with the intention of rescuing Annie from the large gun with a small man. Annie has saved herself. They then go to Iris's house. Iris wants her boxes but Douglas is still in the bedroom with the Irisbot. As they hear Douglas descend the stairs, Iris leads Cheryl into the Inglenook fireplace, which conceals a secret entrance to a long corridor lined with ornately carved wooden chairs - a row on either side facing inwards, with a gap of about three metres between each chair - every chair had something on it - most contained books.

Meanwhile, on a back road near Harwich... Douglas is preparing to take a ferry to Hoek. On arrival he travels to small, nondescript shop on a back street and asks the shopkeeper for some sticky-backed dildo. This appears to be some sort of code.

A time-jump back to Frigwell Crescent. Rennie arrives outside Iris's house just as Douglas is leaving for Harwich. Rennie is dressed as a woman having accidentally selected the wrong passport and credit card from his lock-box. Douglas steals Rennie's car with all his documents; his jacket; his phone; and most importantly, his connection to SpodeChode. Annie 'rescues' Rennie whilst holding the large gun.

Back in the Pacific Northwest, Detective Lieutenant Milton Frobisher studies the autopsy report of an Uber driver - the driver that Rennie had compromised with the tip of a banana. Frobisher goes in pursuit of Rennie in connection with the death. At Rennie's apartment block he meets the very disturbing Svetlana, who is probably Russian. She shows Frobisher Rennie's empty room. Frobisher gets a call from a lab technician re the death of the Uber driver - it seems he was killed by a substance from a banana. Frobisher is familiar with similar deaths.

Annie and Rennie [now Nina] have a fight. The large gun goes off in Rennie's direction but he is protected by the Dolly Parton bra. Iris and Cheryl appear from nowhere and save Rennie from Annie.

Hazel????!! OH - Tina's sister Hazel!! Hazel is from Blackpool and has gone to stay with her sister Tina in Frigwell Crescent. Aubrey meets Hazel at Poobury station - they have a romantic interlude in the back of the car. Hazel still hasn't told Tina that their mother is dead and rolled up in an old carpet in the loft and that Hazel had been collecting their mother's pension for the last 5 years.

Back in the chair lined corridor. Cheryl is bored and takes a detour up a rusty ladder and pushes past a man cover to find herself in a copse. She is hit on the head by a flying object, and then another, which makes her fall back down into the endless corrider filled with chairs and more ladders. Cheryl tries another ladder and pushes past another manhole cover, this time she is hit by a banana. Cheryl gives up and follows Iris instead.

An interview with Matherine Stoad - where we discover that Cheryl has made two appearances on The Undateables. Cheryl has a brother called Allardyce who collects ornamental thimbles and mints his peas. 

Flashback to 1990 - A reference to a series of banana-tip deaths. Milton Frobisher was a humble patrolman. He was partnered with a senior detective called Torvik. Sadly, Torvik was killed in the line of duty by a shadowy figure wielding a banana. Frobisher had his mind wiped by a mystery figure and told that if he wanted to make detective, he would forget what he had seen the night of Torvik's death, and he shouldn’t pursue the banana case any more. 30 years later and Frobisher is revisited by a wave of memories whilst working on the case of the dead Uber driver. Finally, Frobisher is arrested for the murder of the disturbing Svetlana [probably Russian]. She has been found dead with Frobisher's pen sticking out of her neck.

Iris sighed. It had only taken her 5 hours to write a brief recap of the last three months. She felt that she ought to be declared a hero. Anyhow, it was time to press publish and be damned. She hoped that blogger wouldn't mess her formatting up like it did five minutes ago....

floccinaucinihilipilification

Rennie tried to understand, were his dreams just shit hitting the fan. He staggered toward the doorway. The tight skirt resisting his movement.

As he reached the door, the buxom blonde’s long nails violently seized his arm and thrusted him against the wall. The cold metal gun barrel pushed on the back of his ear.

“Hand over your passport Nina” demanded Annie.

Momentarily confused Rennie thought, who the fuck is Nina. The pressure of the gun quickly cleared his thoughts. “Back off, it’s in the travel pouch tucked in the skirt.”

As Annie released her hold, Rennie kicked out her legs and lunged for the gun.

Rennie’s quick action failed much like his whole day.

A round exploded as he tumbled on top of Annie.

A burning flash across his chest stunned him. He was shocked but ok. The Dolly Parton bra and padding lie shredded across the floor. He looked up. Annie stood with the gun pointing down at him. “Now you know it’s loaded,” she shouted.

Iris ran to Rennie and pulled him to his feet. “Don’t shoot,” she pleaded.

“Yes Iris this will go easier without a dead body to dump. Just open his passport. It has information in it to decipher the code.”

Another odd thought floated in Rennie mind. Why do I smell dog shit?

Nina

Douglas flew out of the front door nearly knocking Rennie off his feet.

"RUDE." Said Rennie, trying to regain his poise in the unfamiliar kitten heels that were pinching his toes; he then looked on in horror as Douglas stole his car, which had been idling on Iris's gravel driveway.

"STOP!!" Shouted Rennie, but Douglas was already speeding out of Frigwell Crescent.

Rennie slumped down on Iris's doorstep, put his head in his hands, and then slowly pulled off the Dolly Parton wig. Why oh why had he decided to come to England disguised as Nina Mishsochlopovkovni? Why hadn't he checked the passport before blindly selecting it from his collection? He could have been anyone. He could have been John Brown - business man and candle maker, or Chuck Hudson - a salesman with a penchant for liquorice allsorts, but no, he was now saddled with being Nina Mishsochlopovkovni.

Rennie had never been to England before, and he was finding it all rather grey and squashed. How did the Brits live in these tiny little houses built so close together? He was used to wide open spaces; mountains; big trees; volcanic activity; a large bed; and driving on the right side of the road. Rennie wished he'd stayed home and felt very sorry for himself. Douglas had driven off with all his documents; his jacket; his phone; and most importantly, his connection to SpodeChode. And where was Iris? Either Iris would do right now, even the Iris-bot would be useful.

Rennie kicked off the kitten heels, and without the wig he simply looked like a man in a dress who was rather upset and lost.

"PPSSSSSSTTTTTT, over here....... are you deaf or what??"

Rennie looked up and saw a blonde woman holding a large gun beckoning him towards her house.....

Rennie Takes Flight

At that very moment, Rennie received a message via the microscopic speaker implanted in his ear canal.

“The Iris unit has been compromised. Make haste.” 


It was the voice of SpodeChode69, the self-applied nickname of Super Computer 6900. After all, what good was artificial intelligence without a sense of humor? The earlier text message from Iris had actually come from SpodeChode. Its highly evolved algorithms had detected the imminent breakdown in Iris’ relatively crude system (the early models always were a bit twitchy, as the movie quote goes). Its summations were proved by Douglas’ tugging at Iris’ tag. Why had they left that there, anyway? Oh, well, that decision had been made before SpodeChode’s time. Now it was up to SpodeChode to fix the problem. Typical.


Rennie said to the Uber driver, “I’m going to need to take over.” As the driver turned a wondering look toward him, Rennie snatched up a banana that the driver had been intending to eat for lunch from the cup holder in the center console and rammed it into the pressure point behind the driver’s left ear, momentarily stunning him. In practically the same fluid movement, Rennie unbuckled the driver’s seat belt, opened his door and shoved him out, then slipped behind the wheel and sped away.


The driver came too as he was doing a fast barrel roll right into the path of an oncoming light rail vehicle. “Oh, well”, he thought, “that job sucked anyway”.


Rennie made great time to the airport. His speeding and the many incongruously placed vegetable stands and stacks of cardboard boxes that he smashed through failed to initiate a police chase, thanks in large part to SpodeChode’s ability to control many human systems and activities, such as 911 calls, traffic cameras, police bulletins and even to issue “do not pursue” orders anywhere in the world.


When Rennie arrived at the airport, he didn’t bother with such mundane affairs as ticket counters and boarding gates. Instead, he took a service road to a seemingly disused hangar in a remote corner of the complex, where a super-fast stealth plane waited to whisk him to England.


During the flight, Rennie had time to reflect upon his relationship with Iris. He had seen her dancing at a go-go club, and had taken her to dinner at St. Ermin’s Hotel. He was trying to impress her, so he told her fantastic tales of espionage, when in reality he was only a private in the army, with dreams of one day being a spy. Be careful what you wish for.


He didn’t know then that Iris wasn’t a human. Even Iris didn’t know her true nature. By the time he found out, it was already too late for both of them. He had already gone down a dark path, one lined with laboratories where his body and mind were modified and enhanced to serve a powerful master.


He realized he was still holding the banana. He ate it. Mmmm, banana.

Chapter 3: Rennie Awakens

Rennie quickly messaged Iris back, asking what was the matter. Almost immediately her response came, and it was rather long.

"That's weird", thought Rennie, "She couldn't possibly have written all this in a few seconds."  He read on, however, and became more puzzled. Her message was a reprint of yet another boring diatribe by one of the more annoying members of their P.G. Wodehouse fan group on Facebook.

As Rennie tried to make sense of the passage, and figure out how this seemed so important to Iris, his eyes kept being drawn back to the first word in the each of the first six lines of the paragraph. What seemed significant about those words? Taken in order of appearance, they didn't make any kind of coherent sentence, nor did they if rearranged in every possible combination. Rennie felt a vague sense of surprise that he was performing this mental exercise. Puzzles and brain challenges weren't really his cup of tea. Or...were they? Then something clicked in Rennie's brain.

And Rennie wasn't Rennie anymore. He couldn't say for sure who he was. That wasn't important. But he suddenly knew what he was, and what he needed to do. He clicked a sequence of keys on his Chromebook, and a secret function buried deep within this particular device wiped away all traces of everything he had ever done on it. Then the function removed any trace of itself, but not before initiating a sequence which would remove any public or private record of Rennie Hightower.

Rennie (for that name will do as well as any other) stood up. No grunting or difficulty this time, but he was now much more aware of his body and the effects that an unknown period of relative inactivity had wrought upon a formerly fine-tuned physique. He wondered idly how long he had been dormant. Oh, well, no matter. He'd quickly sort that out.

He walked to his closet and knelt and moved aside shoes and pulled back the carpeting, then worked loose one of the floorboards. From the cavity underneath he withdrew a lock box. From memory he punched the 32 digit pass code into the electronic lock's keypad. Inside the box were passports from several nations. All had his picture. Each had a different name. Also in the box were credit cards, with names to match the passports. Lastly he took out a phone and powered it on. This unremarkable-looking "smart" phone was connected to a very exclusive network, operated by a super-computer that actually was smart, in the sense that it was capable of highly intelligent thought.

Rennie selected one pair of passport and credit card and put them in the pocket of his jacket, the phone in another. He put the other items in a backpack and walked outside, where an Uber was waiting to take him to the airport.

Magical Mystery Tour.... [Chapter two-ish]

"Iris, what are you doing? Can you hear me?"

Douglas shook Iris's shoulder in an effort to wake her.

"What did you see? It's really important that you wake up now."

Iris lay on her bed, her eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, but she wasn't dead.

"Iris, FOR PITY'S SAKE WOMAN, what did you see? And when did you see it?"

Douglas thumped his fist against the wall and as he did so a framed print of Salvador Dali's Persistence of Memory fell to the floor. Douglas bent to pick it up [if nothing else he was always tidy] and as he did so he noticed that stored under Iris's bed was an impressive array of shoeboxes.

'Wow', thought Douglas, 'this is an impressive array of shoeboxes, but Iris always wears battered old brogues, how peculiar.'

Douglas stopped thinking and pulled out one of the shoeboxes, he opened it, and gasped for dramatic effect. The shoebox did not contain leopard print mules, as suggested by the picture on the lid of the box, but three bulging scrapbooks and 10 used notebooks of the school variety.

He opened a notebook, this was exactly the information Douglas was looking for. He looked up fondly towards the slender, brogue wearing woman still laying unconscious, yet wide eyed on the bed, "I knew I could rely on you Iris, I'm so sorry I referred to you as a wretched curtain twitcher in a previous post, you were always such a meticulous record keeper, even when we were trapped together in that underwater cavern for days on end without food, water, a cuddly toy, a toaster, or your favourite Beatles album, you still found a way to keep meticulous records. What a woman."

Douglas began to read Iris's last entry, as he read his eyebrows began knitting together like two hairy caterpillars trying to make a sweater. When Douglas had finished reading he had three important questions:-

1) WHO IS THE SHORT MAN IN THE PINK RABBIT ONSIE WITH THE BIG GUN? [Clue: He isn't Mr Short]
2) WHO IS THIS RENNIE CHARACTER? AND WHY DID IRIS NEED HIS HELP?
3) WHERE IS ANNIE?
4) WOULD HE GET TO HARWICH IN TIME?
5) SHOULD HE PLAY IRIS'S FAVOURITE BEATLES TUNE?
6) WOULD IRIS'S FAVOURITE BEATLES TUNE WAKE HER FROM HER OPEN-EYED SLUMBER?

So many questions...but, as in every good epic, only three are important...

Chapter Two

Meanwhile, in a mid-sized city in the Pacific Northwest, Rennie Hightower looked up from his Chromebook to check the time on the digital clock on the gas range, barely three feet from his “desk”, which also served as dining table and kitchen counter in his tiny efficiency apartment. 3:15...in the morning! Jesus! He’d been staring at the damned internet since he’d gotten home around 7 the night before. He hadn’t even stopped scrolling long enough to eat.

“I’ve got to get up in 4 hours,” Rennie thought reproachfully to himself, “What is wrong with me?” Not that his job as a janitor at a strip club required much mental alertness or peak physical conditioning. In his self-induced guilt, he thought he’d better throw himself headlong into the bed. It wouldn’t even be hard to do, even from a sitting position. After all, the bed was only about two feet to his right and back a bit. Efficient, indeed.

But having broken the spell held upon him by the siren song of social media, he realized he was too hungry to sleep. Now that he was again aware that he had a body (such as it was), all he could think about was sustenance. As he began the difficult process of prying his carcass from the wooden chair with a foam cushion in which he had been sitting for the past 8 hours, he spied a notification that he had a message from his friend Iris in the UK.

Thoughts of food were immediately pushed from his mind as he settled back onto the chair. Rennie was a little bit in love with Iris. More than a little, if he was honest about it. He was not well acquainted with any females “in real life”. He had “met” Iris on-line in a Facebook group for fans of author P.G. Wodehouse. While they of course loved Bertie and Jeeves, their shared favorite character was Psmith (“the P is silent, as in ‘pshrimp’”). Iris and Rennie would often type this “Psmith-ism” to each other whenever chatting about the character. Rennie laughed every time Iris did it, and he liked to imagine that Iris was laughing when he did it. It would have done his lonely heart no end of good if he could have known that she did laugh. But only we know that, and we mustn’t tell.

He hadn’t heard from Iris for a few weeks. She seemed to have developed some sort of obsession with the doings of her next door neighbors - David or something, and his wife...Angela? No. That couldn’t be it. Oh, well. Nevermind! He rather feverishly clicked onto Iris’ message, and what to his wondering eyes should he see but “Rennie - I need your help!”

Iris had never asked for his help before. His heart skipped a beat, both out of concern for his friend, and the excitement of possible romantic adventure. He began to type to ask how he could be of assistance.