"Damn it, not again", she muttered. Her head hurt.
Thankfully she had made copious handwritten notes, so all she had to do was read them. She pondered for a moment. Did she really want to know? Couldn't she just make up something new? Would anyone notice?
Maybe if she flicked through her notebook she could pick out pertinent clues, and characters, and piece it all together. She sighed, it felt like a momentous task, but it had to be done, and so she began to make short notes from her extensive notes.
In the beginning there is a man called Douglas Manning who Iris was spying on. He has a wife called Annie, who is blonde. A short man with a large gun wearing a pink rabbit onesie kidnaps Annie.
Douglas Manning tries to make off with a suitcase of used banknotes to rendezvous with the mysterious Mr Short [who is not the man with the large gun] in Harwich.
Rennie Hightower lives in a mid-sized city in the Pacific Northwest, he is a janitor at a strip club and is a little bit in love with Iris, although they have only met online via a Facebook group for fans of author P.G. Wodehouse. Iris sends Rennie an email asking for his help.
Iris was once a Go-Go dancer in London and has links with espionage. She believes Douglas Manning is watching her. Have they met before?
Douglas tries to wake Iris. They are in her bedroom. Douglas discovers Iris's notebooks under her bed. Douglas and Iris confirmed to have a historical connection. Iris is wide eyed yet unconscious.
Rennie recieves an email from Iris, which activates a
dormant area of his brain. Yes! Rennie is also some kind of spy! Or is he? He
recovers a lock-box from beneath his floorboards that contains an array of
passports and credit cards so that he can assume a variety of identities. The
box also contains a genuinely smart Smart-phone that connects to an exclusive
network, operated by a super-computer. He heads to the airport.
Douglas is with
Iris. He is deciding how best to wake her from her open-eyed coma. He also
really fancies a banana. Douglas notices a faint, blinking light behind Iris's
right ear - a light that was flashing under her skin! Douglas discovers that
Iris was made in Taiwan.
Rennie has a microscopic speaker implanted in his ear
canal and the voice of SpodeChode69 notifies him that the Iris unit has been
compromised. Rennie uses a banana to stun an Uber driver by using the tip of the
banana on a pressure point behind the driver's left ear. Rennie drives to the
airport and then takes a super-stealth plane to England. Rennie reminisces on
how he met Iris in London when she was a go-go dancer. He lied to her about
being a spy. Iris was a robot even then, but she didn't know it. He recalls how
his body and mind were modified and enhanced to serve a powerful master. He eats
a banana.
Annie overpowers the short man with the large gun who wears a pink
rabbit onesie. Annie was not kidnapped! She takes the gun from the short man and
locks him in her attic with a plate of fish fingers and a large colouring book.
Annie is furious for a variety of reasons, but mainly because she is not the
central character in this fiction. Annie has a plan and a loaded gun.
Recently
widowed Tina Cruet visits her neighbours Aubrey and Martharine Stoad in Frigwell
Crescent. She has ideas above her station. Cheryl Stoad, 28, is the daughter of
Aubrey and Matherine. Cheryl hopes to find fame on Britain's got Talent by
playing Go and Tell Aunt Nancy on the recorder. The Stoads have a Golden
Retriever called Scarlet [ahem]. Tina has designs on Aubrey - It was Aubrey who
helped Tina cope with the isolation and despair the complex feelings that grief
brings, after a while they found themselves being drawn together and by the time
the police and forensics had been to take away Percy's body, Aubrey had already
given her one over the arm of the chair. Did Tina murder her husband, Percy?
Cheryl has an inner ear problem. What could this mean? Iris sneaks up on Cheryl
in the Stoads back garden. There appears to be a real Iris, and an Irisbot. The
real Iris asks Cheryl for her help. Cheryl eventually agrees to help the real
Iris. They go to Douglas and Annie's house with the intention of rescuing Annie
from the large gun with a small man. Annie has saved herself. They then go to
Iris's house. Iris wants her boxes but Douglas is still in the bedroom with the
Irisbot. As they hear Douglas descend the stairs, Iris leads Cheryl into the
Inglenook fireplace, which conceals a secret entrance to a long corridor lined
with ornately carved wooden chairs - a row on either side facing inwards, with a
gap of about three metres between each chair - every chair had something on it -
most contained books.
Meanwhile, on a back road near Harwich... Douglas is
preparing to take a ferry to Hoek. On arrival he travels to small, nondescript
shop on a back street and asks the shopkeeper for some sticky-backed dildo. This
appears to be some sort of code.
A time-jump back to Frigwell Crescent. Rennie
arrives outside Iris's house just as Douglas is leaving for Harwich. Rennie is
dressed as a woman having accidentally selected the wrong passport and credit
card from his lock-box. Douglas steals Rennie's car with all his documents; his
jacket; his phone; and most importantly, his connection to SpodeChode. Annie
'rescues' Rennie whilst holding the large gun.
Back in the Pacific Northwest,
Detective Lieutenant Milton Frobisher studies the autopsy report of an Uber
driver - the driver that Rennie had compromised with the tip of a banana.
Frobisher goes in pursuit of Rennie in connection with the death. At Rennie's
apartment block he meets the very disturbing Svetlana, who is probably Russian.
She shows Frobisher Rennie's empty room. Frobisher gets a call from a lab
technician re the death of the Uber driver - it seems he was killed by a
substance from a banana. Frobisher is familiar with similar deaths.
Annie and
Rennie [now Nina] have a fight. The large gun goes off in Rennie's direction but
he is protected by the Dolly Parton bra. Iris and Cheryl appear from nowhere and
save Rennie from Annie.
Hazel????!! OH - Tina's sister Hazel!! Hazel is from
Blackpool and has gone to stay with her sister Tina in Frigwell Crescent. Aubrey
meets Hazel at Poobury station - they have a romantic interlude in the back of
the car. Hazel still hasn't told Tina that their mother is dead and rolled up in
an old carpet in the loft and that Hazel had been collecting their mother's
pension for the last 5 years.
Back in the chair lined corridor. Cheryl is bored
and takes a detour up a rusty ladder and pushes past a man cover to find herself
in a copse. She is hit on the head by a flying object, and then another, which
makes her fall back down into the endless corrider filled with chairs and more
ladders. Cheryl tries another ladder and pushes past another manhole cover, this
time she is hit by a banana. Cheryl gives up and follows Iris instead.
An
interview with Matherine Stoad - where we discover that Cheryl has made two
appearances on The Undateables. Cheryl has a brother called Allardyce who
collects ornamental thimbles and mints his peas.
Flashback to 1990 - A reference
to a series of banana-tip deaths. Milton Frobisher was a humble patrolman. He
was partnered with a senior detective called Torvik. Sadly, Torvik was killed in
the line of duty by a shadowy figure wielding a banana. Frobisher had his mind
wiped by a mystery figure and told that if he wanted to make detective, he would
forget what he had seen the night of Torvik's death, and he shouldn’t pursue the
banana case any more. 30 years later and Frobisher is revisited by a wave of
memories whilst working on the case of the dead Uber driver. Finally, Frobisher
is arrested for the murder of the disturbing Svetlana [probably Russian]. She has
been found dead with Frobisher's pen sticking out of her neck.
Iris sighed. It had only taken her 5 hours to write a brief recap of the last three months. She felt that she ought to be declared a hero. Anyhow, it was time to press publish and be damned. She hoped that blogger wouldn't mess her formatting up like it did five minutes ago....
