Tuesday 14 April 2020

Frigwell Crescent - The Musical

Well you're dirty and sweet
Clad in black
Don't look back
And I love you
You're dirty and sweet oh yeah

T.Rex. Get It On


Hazel finally reached her destination, stepping off the number 69 bus into Poobury Station on the outskirts of London, still wearing the black ensemble she bought from the Sue Ryder shop over a week ago in Blackpool, her amazing haggling skills meant she bought the ensemble for next to nothing and the sales assistant even threw in a half bottle of Timeless by Avon.

Hazel used her late mother's bus pass to travel for free on a journey that took 8 days and 7 hours, she boarded 26 buses, used 20 bus companies, crossed 11 counties and cruised through 12 cities, she also saved money by offering herself to men at the back of the bus depot in exchange for free accommodation and for something hot inside her of a morning.

Cuts to music 
Hazel plying her trade, back of bus depot. 

The summer season had just ended and Hazel was happy to accept her sister Tina's invite to stay for a couple of months, that is until Mother Goose at the Winter Gardens beckoned her return to the bright lights of Blackpool.

Hazel was met at Poobury station by a thickset man with mutton-chops and greasy lips, "I've no money for a taxi" said Hazel with twitching lips (facial) "but I can pay with nature's credit card, if need be," the man quickly and eagerly ushered Hazel into his green Citroen Dyane. "I'm afraid it's my unclean week, it'll have to be backdoors" continued Hazel. "Even better, said the man and added "I hope you're not a vegetarian cause I've got 4 inches of prime in my trousers for starters" growled Aubrey. Hazel's nipples hardened. "Good, I haven't eaten all day!"

Hazel arrived at Frigwell Crescent and was greeted at the door by Tina. "Eh Hazel! lovely to see you again, said Tina reverting back to her old Lancashire accent, her eyes brimmed with tears. "Aye it is, our lass" said Hazel wiping her nose on the back of her hand. The two sisters embraced on the doorstep "Come in! I'm sorry I couldn't pick you up from the station, I was expecting a delivery, go on through to the kitchen I'll make us some tea or would you prefer coffee? Hazel went through and gasped at the opulence of Tina's kitchen, there on the kitchen window sill stood a Robert's radio, it was playing a long forgotten tune from the 80s "ehh she's got it all," thought Hazel "Swan kettle and matching toaster and I bet she didn't get much change from 30 notes for that peddle bin in the corner and she's offering me a choice of tea or coffee, oh, how the other half live".

"How's mam?" asked Tina
"Still spry as a sparrer" lied Hazel, looking up from her cup, she spied on the wall an Audrey Dallas Simpson print of a street urchin and inhaled her tea, causing her to cough and splutter, she didn't have the nerve to tell her eldest sister that their mother is dead and unreported to the authorities and rolled up in an old carpet in the loft and that Hazel had been collecting their mother's pension for the last 5 years.


13 comments:

  1. I love it. I think you should write a book, Mitzi.
    Nature's credit card!! Ha Ha!!
    SXX

    ReplyDelete
  2. Blanche Devereaux used hers in an episode of the Golden Girls and I've been using mine ever since.

    I had a go at writing a book once, about a Blackpool guesthouse, eight chapters of tittle-tattle and filth with no plot whatsoever.

    I'd need a proof reader someone who'll correct my appalling grammar and to eradicate any northern overtones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Send it to me! I'll have a go at editing it :-)
      Sxx

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the offer Scarlet but I don't have it anymore, it was kept on floppy disk! I remember the story though Jim and Beryl new proprietors of Hazeldene Guesthouse (named after the singer Hazell Dean) after a year of struggling to put "heads on beds" Jim comes up with a novel solution.

      Delete
  3. Mitzi! How amusing! There are so many tidbits in this that I don't know where to start. However, my favourite bit is that you managed to feature a Citroen Dyane (the driver isn't Aubrey Stoad, is it?).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really must re engage with our tale, I keep meaning to write a list of characters and make notes about who, where, what and why. Maybe tomorrow.
      Hoping that you are both safe and well!
      Sxxx

      Delete
    2. Yes it is Aubrey, I cut quite a lot out to comply with Scarlet's 500 word limit. It's his passion wagon.

      Delete
  4. Consider my flabber gasted.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hahaha. Sorry I don't know what else to say.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I may become a Fan of this Frigwell Crescent Drama... scandalous!

    ReplyDelete

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Christmas adverts 2021

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