Frigwell Crescent - The Musical

Well you're dirty and sweet

Clad in black

Don't look back

And I love you

You're dirty and sweet oh yeah

T.Rex. Get It On

Hazel finally reached her destination, stepping off the number 69 bus into Poobury Station on the outskirts of London, still wearing the black ensemble she bought from the Sue Ryder shop over a week ago in Blackpool, her amazing haggling skills meant she bought the ensemble for next to nothing and the sales assistant even threw in a half bottle of Timeless by Avon.

Hazel used her late mother's bus pass to travel for free on a journey that took 8 days and 7 hours, she boarded 26 buses, used 20 bus companies, crossed 11 counties and cruised through 12 cities, she also saved money by offering herself to men at the back of the bus depot in exchange for free accommodation and for something hot inside her of a morning.

Cuts to music ♫
Hazel plying her trade, back of bus depot. 

The summer season had just ended and Hazel was happy to accept her sister Tina's invite to stay for a couple of months, that is until Mother Goose at the Winter Gardens beckoned her return to the bright lights of Blackpool.

Hazel was met at Poobury station by a thickset man with mutton-chops and greasy lips, "I've no money for a taxi" said Hazel with twitching lips (facial) "but I can pay with nature's credit card, if need be," the man quickly and eagerly ushered Hazel into his green Citroen Dyane. "I'm afraid it's my unclean week, it'll have to be backdoors" continued Hazel. "Even better, said the man and added "I hope you're not a vegetarian cause I've got 4 inches of prime in my trousers for starters" growled Aubrey. Hazel's nipples hardened. "Good, I haven't eaten all day!"

Hazel arrived at Frigwell Crescent and was greeted at the door by Tina. "Eh Hazel! lovely to see you again, said Tina reverting back to her old Lancashire accent, her eyes brimmed with tears. "Aye it is, our lass" said Hazel wiping her nose on the back of her hand. The two sisters embraced on the doorstep "Come in! I'm sorry I couldn't pick you up from the station, I was expecting a delivery, go on through to the kitchen I'll make us some tea or would you prefer coffee? Hazel went through and gasped at the opulence of Tina's kitchen, there on the kitchen window sill stood a Robert's radio, it was playing a long forgotten tune from the 80s "ehh she's got it all," thought Hazel "Swan kettle and matching toaster and I bet she didn't get much change from 30 notes for that peddle bin in the corner and she's offering me a choice of tea or coffee, oh, how the other half live".

"How's mam?" asked Tina
"Still spry as a sparrer" lied Hazel, looking up from her cup, she spied on the wall an Audrey Dallas Simpson print of a street urchin and inhaled her tea, causing her to cough and splutter, she didn't have the nerve to tell her eldest sister that their mother is dead and unreported to the authorities and rolled up in an old carpet in the loft and that Hazel had been collecting their mother's pension for the last 5 years.