Life After Percy

Tina Cruet tottered up the garden path of her neighbours Aubrey and Martharine Stoad, her red high heel shoes scraping on the block paving as she went along. She stopped midway to admire the beautiful old laburnum tree that has graced the Stoads garden for many a year, with it's drooping clusters of yellow flowers billowing in the gentle summer breeze, the sight of it made Tina's heart leap with gay abandon. It was the only tree in the vicinity of the small cul-de-sac of semi detached houses, built in the 1920's by builders Burke and Hare.

Tina lives at the bottom of the bag but now thanks to her new status of widow comes ambition, to move to the very top of the cul-de-sac and by hook or by crook she was going to succeed or die trying. Whilst she was admiring it's lovely branches she happened to look pass the tree at the mock Tudor mansion opposite, the only detached property in the neighbourhood, 'If I lived there' thought Tina 'I could really Queen it over everyone'  In the bedroom window of the mock Tudor mansion almost hidden by a secret veil stood the profile of Iris Green the moral watch dog of Frigwell Crescent looking directly at Tina. Iris pulled back the net and locked eyes with the fleshpot trollop. Tina gasped as she saw to her horror two flashing blue lights emitting from Iris's eyes, than laughed remembering that the old bag wore jam jar glasses and was just the sun light reflecting off them. 

Tina turned her back on the nosy cow and continued her walk up the Stoads path, plucking her knickers out from between her arse cheeks, she rang the door bell. She was greeted at the door by Martharine, a rabbity faced woman in her late 50s with a pudding bowl haircut. "Come in and go on through to the sitting room, Cheryl's in there with daddy, as you can hear by the noise, ha-ha! she's practising for Britain's Got Talent." Martharine had a peculiar and some might say unhealthy way of addressing her husband Aubrey as 'daddy'. Tina went through to the sitting room and sat down, father and daughter together facing the bay window playing to an imaginary audience, they didn't see Tina enter. Cheryl on the recorder was playing Go and Tell Aunt Nancy accompanied by her father on the armpit. 

The Stoads dog, Scarlet, a golden retriever came bounding up to Tina for a friendly pat on the head then quickly moved away to drag it's arse back and forth along the carpet and then began to yacht in a big circle, leaving her mark behind her. "Oh Cheryl love" said Martharine. "Take Scarlet to the kitchen, she needs her glands squeezing again, better still, take her outside, be gentle, you remember what happened last time? Martharine turned to her friend Tina and mouthed "There was shit everywhere" always eager to please her parents Cheryl with the same rabbity face as her mother and the same pudding bowl haircut trudged out of the room clutching Scarlet by the collar. "and when you finished you can make us all a nice cup of tea and a slice of that chocolate cake but before you go, what do you say to Tina?" Cheryl! whispered Martharine "Say something nice to Tina she has just cremated her husband". Cheryl looked at Tina, smiled and in a drone like voice said "Hello Auntie Tina, do you want to see my knickers?" Tina wondered why Cheryl always acted so weird, she never knew what she was going to do or come out with next, it's not as if she is still a child, she 28 for fucks sake.

Aubrey lifted up his brewer's goiter with one hand and scratched the purple hued skin beneath with his other and casually sniffed his fingers. He was a short, fat man with oily looking lips, black hair combed back and held in place with Brylcreem, he wore segs on the soles of his shoes. Tina stared intently at him, her eyes bored into his like tungsten carbide cylinder drill bits and he looked genuinely surprised when she broke into a seductive mien. Was it Martharine's imagination did her husband's usually dormant bulge just give a slight twitch?

Five days ago.

Aubrey was out in his front garden taking cuttings from his unruly bush, his intention was to give everyone in Frigwell Crescent a Fallopia Japonica of their very own, an ear piercing scream coming from The Cruet's house broke Aubrey free from his day dream, he dashed immediately to Tina's assistance and was met with a teary eyed Tina "My Percy.. he's dead" was all she said before she slumped into Aubrey's masculine arms. It was Aubrey who helped Tina cope with the isolation and despair the complex feelings that grief brings, after a while they found themselves being drawn together and by the time the police and forensics had been to take away the body he had already given her one over the arm of the chair.

Did forensics find out what killed him? Martharine asked proffering a slice of chocolate cake under Tina's nose. "It was an underlying illness, his heart, it couldn't have been predicted or prevented" said Tina biting into her chocolate cake and licking her lips in Aubrey's direction. Tina stayed another 10 minutes then said her goodbyes and thanked everyone especially Aubrey for everything he had done during her difficult time. Martharine beamed with pride at her husband and noticed yet again another twitch in Aubrey's trouser department. It was Cheryl who showed Tina out and gave her some sound advice en route "A cat can have kittens in an oven, but it doesn't make them biscuits" and slammed the door in Tina's face.

Tina burst out laughing.